i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
