There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
