when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
