there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
