I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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