so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
