God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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