Screwed.edu
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
