Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And then my night got REAL pukey
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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