Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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