One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
