Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
