we're chasing vodka with high fives
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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