he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
