I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize