my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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