I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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