I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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