so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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