just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
