i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
