Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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