Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Text me some of your sweat
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