she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
