I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
