I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
