I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
