You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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