Jerry, you need to find god
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
