just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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