It was confusing and full of hummus
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
