Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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