The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
