Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
