I think I died a long time ago.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize