I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
