wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
