new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
