I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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