i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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