2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
