if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
