I wish I could teleport
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
