I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
