Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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