I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
