I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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