don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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