allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
