how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He? As in you personified your dick?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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