I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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