there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
