My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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