So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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