I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
