Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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