Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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